The Road to Recovery

Day 1

I've known it for some time now from my research. but this is one time i didnt want to be right.
An Acl complete tear, with extensive damage to the meniscus because i kept playing through the pain for 2 years.
I didnt even expect the meniscus damage. its actually worse than my worst case scenario. But the scans were clear. My ACL just wasn't there anymore.

Thanks to everyone who reached out to me with kind words of support or advice. I've been getting to terms with the long and difficult journey ahead, and I am grateful that I do not take it alone. I just need some time to prepare myself. Everything is about the mindset. I understand the severity of the situation, but the way i see it, I can mope about it and do it cause i've got "no choice", or i can do it because I want to.

It might sound like a big fuss about nothing, but it makes a difference to me.

Its as though I lost a friend. A reliable friend, until 2 years ago in that fateful game at NUS, when i tried to do too much, on my own. My whole life, he has been brilliant for me, and I undergo the hardships of surgery and rehab for him as well, as he deserves to be young and whole once more. He has been nothing but perfect. When I asked him to jump, he said how high. When I asked him to leap, he said how far. He never let me down, and gave me a feeling of immortality. Even when i was running from gangs when I was young (on more than one occasion), I ran merrily, with the knowledge that none could catch up to me as I cleared difficult obstacles easily; with less fear than I had the right to have.

I have lost that feeling for 2 years. Because of my competitiveness and my foolishness, in a meaningless match with scrubs, I have caused my friend his wings, clipped them off at too young an age. The way forward might be hard and tough, but he deserves to have them back. I'm doing them for him.

The nurse thought i was going to cry lol, i could tell from her expression. i was close to tears, maybe the closest I've been in a few years. I had some serious mucus buildup after and that always happens when I cry. there were 2 med students there who i think i traumatized with my reaction. i have always been a rather dramatic fellow, afterall. i was trembling, and white as a ghost. Because from my research, the moment the doc confirmed it, i knew in that moment everything that lay ahead. I actually knew exactly what it meant. and the docs were brilliant.
but thats over now. ive embraced it and booked a surgery date at the earliest convenient date.

i am ready for the journey ahead, for the year of rehab. I will do the whole year, even if it should only be 6-9 months.

the way i see it, i can moan and cry about having to have surgery. fuss about losing hamstring/thigh muscles i built over years of working out to form the surgical graft. whine about having to endure 9 months of rehab, having to do what is probably the least fun thing in the world in my spare time. worst of all, not being able to do what has become my first love. some of my happiest times have been on that concrete court, afterall.

but thats not what i have become in the past 5 years.

this is just a repeat of my academic journey. it sounds cheesy, but its just climbing up from the bottom again, isnt it? just plain rehab isnt going to be good enough either. they will push you hard, the doc says. really hard. well, then ill do more than they require me to. complete recovery isnt enough. thats just the bare minimum. i want to return faster, better, stronger. ill strengthen my legs against injury. i will do everything that is humanly possible to prevent this. neuromuscular and plyometric training to prevent it from happening to both legs. and i will keep working on my shot so that i dont need to drive.

its a physical injury, but everything in life is mental. Its all about the attitude. It might suck, but you can make it worse yourself, or you can focus on the positives and take control. I'm not even worried about the surgery. That's out of my hands. I'm going to knocked out for that few hours, and I have complete confidence in the surgeon. There's nothing I can do for that anyway. I prefer to prepare for what comes after.

Shaun Livingston tore his ACL, his MCL, and his PCL. The video of his injury was more traumatizing than anything I've ever seen before. It makes the video of mine look cute in comparison. And I cringe everything I see that fall. And Shaun still came back and contributed big time on a team that eventually won the championships. He rehabed for 3 years, and approached every exercise like it was his last. He tore all 3 major ligaments, nearly had to amputate. What's mine in comparison? And he came back to dominate at the highest level. Now that's inspiration.