well

people say you feel better when u tell someone about stuff. Well i just unloaded all my baggage from 5 years ago on an unsuspecting friend. First time i ever told anyone about it in such detail since it happened. I'm just glad my voice didn't go all cry-ey like always -.- theres no need to be any more pathetic.

But i didn't feel any better. In fact i feel exactly the same now as when it happened all those years ago. I feel terrible. I thought i had forgotten about it, and i did; but i haven't got over it. It seems ridiculous; this sinking feeling that i remember like it was yesterday. Sinking all the way to my stomach, like theres a dead weight sitting there. And i can't tell any of my besties about it either. Gotta manly exterior that i gotta maintain. Do i even want to maintain it? I never was super manly anyway; just a normal guy who plays his favourite sports. Digress max -.- but thats good. I gotta forget this whole situation all over again and thinking about other stuff can only help. But ha. have fun doing that. And at such a bad time too, 1 mth before my finals.

I liked plenty of girls before, but it all faded quickly, none more than 1 year before i look back and laugh, thinking: what was i thinking? obviously acting on impulse for every single one. But this one... this is ridiculous. Its been 5 years. seriously; get a grip. she has a boyfriend now, and he's awesome. Handsome, funny and everything. Well so am i. ok screw u go study. nice multiple personality there...

how many times have i clicked on her name in my messages in the past 5 years and composed a message. Every one of them asking why? what happened? Because i really want to know...
But i can't click send. I never could click send. I can't do it as long as she won't even acknowledge my existence. As long as she won't even accept my facebook friend request. As long as she has the ability to ignore all the time we spent together; throw it all away as though it never happened. She is the only person i will ever be so pathetic about. Is she lucky? How many girls have wished i could love them with all my heart; i dunno and i dont care. Is she unlucky? No, she's pretty much ~nothing~ about the whole situation. But i'm everything.

And that sinking feeling in my stomach... ill just go to the toilet and crap it out. I'm sure it'll be alright after a good old game of bball.

Okay this is as pathetic a post as i'm ever going to post so have fun reading it if ur one of the people who managed to discover this secret blog. I wonder if its even going to stay here for long or if i will delete it later.

Edit: Actually, after digging through my old blog, i realise that i only knew her for one month. But she was my best friend for that whole month. One of my best months in JC. But wow... one month only... i didnt know until now, thought it was a year all these past 5 years. Guess it seemed longer cos i thought about her so much. Probably was like a day to her.

But it was still nice reading the good old times. But my blog posts are so irritating and vague though. Doesn't help that i can't rmb half the stuff. Oh and i edited my huge sociability post again. keep on editing it its like a work of art.

Life is really a rollercoaster ride. A week ago i was on top of the world; tonight i am definitely rock bottom.

Perhaps this is true love. (I always see in the movies those people saying they're happy that the girl they love is happy with another guy and i think, thats bull. How can that be realistic. But now i understand how it is possible.) Although i dunno why she doesn't have the same feelings for me, i see her with him and i feel that she's happy. And whenever i think that, i feel happy as well, albeit briefly so. I don't think i'll ever be with her. But he's a great guy, he will take care of her well. Better than i will? I dunno. But why give up a sure thing for a gamble? Am i really happy that she's happy with another guy? Sometimes. Do i hate her boyfriend? Nope. Haven't felt that way yet. But am i jealous? Yes. Insanely so.
If they do separate, and i get wind of it, will i go for her?
Immediately. 
So look out guy. I'm waiting.