what happened to the happy kid

what happened to me in the past week

what happened to the cheerful and fun kid

i'm still the same when i'm with my friends, of course, so they won't notice any difference. still as hyper and bubbly as ever

the same when i'm on the court too, joking nonstop and smiling every single moment

but the moment i'm alone at home, i can't smile

i don't wake up with a smile on my face anymore

i don't go to bed with happy thoughts

am i really that disappointed from the ee3731c finals? Yes, i worked really hard this sem for my goal, harder than i've ever worked in my life. Yes it is disappointing. But was i honest when i said i had no regrets because i gave it my best?

Yes, i was.

Its not just that one test; its a cumulation of everything. pressure and stress from the exchange process (i wonder if it will be worth it in the end, worth all this trouble. i certainly hope it will..)

and above all, i thought i finally had the chance to have a girl-bestie again. so basically a bestie cos guy-besties are bros. 3 potential besties this sem, and now not in touch with any of them. isit really true what willie says? that these kind of bonds are forged from history and circumstances? so have i blown my chance at having a bestie after my year 1 fiasco? Because that's unfair, it really is. That i had to have my chance during a time where i wasn't even being myself; when i couldn't even enjoy it fully.

Yes, why do i want a bestie so much? I'll just say it plain and straight. I'm basically a really clever, really witty, cheerful little girl. u read that right. I'm a complete girl. The only thing macho that is detectable about me is when i'm on the court with a ball in my hands. Off the court, i enjoy talking about girly stuff. REALLY enjoy. I use pink pens and glittery pens and draw little clouds around my notes. And you can't really talk about that kind of stuff with your guy friends. Althou i still do, but its a one-way street; guys are wayy too afraid to be seen as girly to reveal their feminine side. And honestly, although it might be abit hypocritical, i prefer it that way too. Which is probably why all my bros are the super "macho" kind, cos it gets a little awkward when i meet another guy-princess. I have a friggin dozen bros, and not a single bestie. I screwed over my besties when the circumstances were right, and now that my personality is right, the circumstances are never.

Thats why its fun when i'm with a bestie instead of a bro. Its so much more fun. But thats what they all say isn't it. There's no such thing as a bestie, there's only a gf. And if u aren't looking for a gf, u aren't going to find a bestie unless circumstances allow it, like when u start a new time in your life, like at the start of jc/at the start of uni (sigh which only reminds me how i HAD the chance both times, but screwed both times up. And now when i've finally become what i am today, i don't get any chances.) U talk to a girl alot, she thinks u like her. Everyone else thinks u like her. Yes, i like her, but as a friend! But it doesn't work that way, does it. And u talk to her long enough, sooner or later either she will fall for u or u will fall for her and the dynamics get all messed up. You talk to an attached girl, people talk, boyfriend bitches, and the dynamics get all messed up again.

ITS SO ANNOYING!!!

i guess i should be grateful that i can still smile on the court, but its not like i can play 24/7. Maybe i should, den i might get into the nba. salts (smiled a little, then stopped). 

why salts?

because nobody really ever lols at the comp.

nvm

my bball will be my bestie =P 

we have a complete understanding, and both of us smile when we're with each other.